Well since my other post was lost due to some random network burp I'll just talk about Amber and I. See I wrote a post earlier today about what happend this past weekend. But it was lost. The long and short of it is that Amber decided to date Justin. A guy we met about halfway through the semester. He's an ok guy and she seems really happy now that they made the decision. But what about our relationship? The answer is; I don't know. Well I know it's over, I don't know if I can still be her friend. I honestly don't know how to feel or what to think. She hasn't told me yet but she knows that I know. She also made the comment that she wouldn't blame me if I was mad at her. I could be mad at her I guess if I wanted too. I could be angry at the way she has treated me and for not ending our relationship before deciding to go steady with someone else. But that would be a selfish kind of attitude and it wouldn't solve anything. I can't make her love me and I can't make her want our relationship to go back to the way it was. And I worked so hard this semester to not be selfish about our relationship there's no use to start now! And if I think about it I haven't really lost anything. What would I be missing or upset that I lost? Physical intamacy? Yeah right we haven't done anything resembling that in a long while and even when we did it seemed like she was allowing it or giving me the privilege. Close friendship and companionship? That is what I desired most of all from Amber the whole time I knew her and was working on our relationship. That is what I worked for, but I was failing. There was always something that hindered us from enjoying things together. For a long while it was Troy, even when we would go out to dinner by ourself that's all we would talk about was Troy this and Troy that. Or it was other things like one time she was feeling really self-concious about her body and spent the whole time moping. Not even Rent! I wanted to expierience that with her but she pretty much ignored me and spent a lot of the time hanging all over Daven of all people. And lately our relationship would disapear completely when other people were around. So I wasn't feeling very much like her friend let alone her non-exclusive SO. In fact recently she had about three people persuing her and competing for her time and attention. I had almost given up even seeing her anymore one on one or spending any real QT with her. In fact she was so preoccupied with those guys that when I was around her she acted like I was persuing her and trying to get into her pants. Which I wasn't and was the furthest thing from my mind.
So what am I going to do? I think she still wants to be friends with me. And I could be her friend pretty easily. In fact she's been in a really good mood since Saturday night, it's been great. But if I just say "ok I'll be your friend if that's all we can be", then doesn't that make me the pathetic puppy dog loser? I mean I gave her tons and tons of attiontion support and love without any ulterior motive, just because I loved her like a best friend. And she walked all over that, used it, took it for granted and now ultimately rejected that(for a guy she's known about two or three months). At the beginning of the semester she was scared of anything male. She thought all guys were rapists except for me. I encouraged her to go out and see that this was not the case. And well I guess it backfired as she has rejected our relationship for the very thing that I was trying to help her understand. I still have to fix my friendship with Troy, because he pissed me off with the way he treated her. Even though she kinda brought it on herself by knowing full well what she was getting into with him. She had to know, I told her many times. Anyway tonight we're getting together for dinner and I guess we'll talk about it. I don't know what I'm going to say. It will depend a lot on what she says. What I'm not going to do is be the pathetic whiner and try to get her to 'take me back'. She's been rejecting me for a long time, a lot longer than I could see. I think the biggest thing I'm upset about is that it didn't hurt more. I'll write tomorrow and tell about how dinner goes. That's all for now.