Hooray for antibiotics!!! I feel better today than I have in about three weeks. At least since I came down with this stupid cold. Well I guess I should update you since Wednesday. All of my student friends have left town for break. Kate left Thursday morning. I miss her a lot =(. We had a great night on Wednesday. Lots of loving and we traded massages which was wonderful. I think I'm falling in love with her, but more on that later. Thursday I got to sleep in which was really really nice. It was a really relaxed sleep(massages will do that to you), the kind I haven't had in a long time. But Thursday night at work I started to have a sore throat. It got worse on Friday when I got to work I couldn't swallow without a lot of pain. I had cough drops but they didn't seem to help much because it was the swollen glands type of sore. I got the oil changed on my car Friday and a lot of shopping done while I was waiting. I still need to get John something and David something. Dad's present has gone missing. I cleaned my room las night and couldn't find it. I guess I'll have to do their shopping tomorrow before I go to Betsy's. Anyway on Saturday I was just miserable I couldn't eat without it hurting a ton. So Dad sent me to visit Mo and have him look at my throat. I haven't seen them in a while so it was nice to get back in touch with them. They haven't changed is the funny part. They had just gotten was a new pool table, Michael and Alex were arguing over it and Mo was sitting there reading the rule book and telling them when they messed up. Mo is a great guy but sometimes he acts just like his kids. Anyway he took one look at my throat and sayd "you have toncilitis" and wrote me a prescritption. After two doses I was feeling much better. And today I feel wonderful, lots less lethargic. Much more energy =). On Sunday I stayed home from church and slept a lot and watched a lot of football which I haven't done in a long while. I wish I could spend some more time with Dad watching football or something. I haven't felt like I wanted to spend time with him in a long while so I hope I get the chance. Kate called me on Saturday night to tell me that I need to pick her up for the New Years week. It was sooo nice to talk to her, I can't believe how much I miss her. Like I said before I think I'm falling for her. It's tempting to ask her to be my steady or to be exclusive. But I don't want to do that right now, the timing is too close to the Amber thing. I've grown really close to Kate ever since they got back from Thanksgiving. Kate treated me like she missed me and Amber treated me like I was trying to get into her pants. And then Amber decided to date Justin and that she and I hadn't had a relationship with any sort of permanence. So I gravitated towards Kate a lot. I want to make sure that I'm not getting closer to Kate just because I was getting farther away from Amber. I don't think it is and I know the feelings are real. However I want to let the relationship develop even more without Amber around. Which will be a lot of fun in it's own right. I really really enjoy spending time with her. And I can't wait to see her at New Years. As far as Amber goes, the last couple of days before she left she was in a great mood but I wasn't. I was lethargic and feeling sick. So I'm not sure what she thinks. She said she still wants to be friends and it'll be easier when she gets back I guess. The one thing that I can't get over is that if I were gay it would have been a lot easier to be friends with her and she even would have extended physical intimacy to me more comfortably than she ever did this semester. Oh well. I have to resist the urge to be mean to her or to try and cause her some of the pain she caused me. It's really tempting and I need to get over being bitter. Even though I think I have the right too and need to feel at least somewhat put out so that I don't feel like I wasted all that love and energy on our relationship. Not worth worrying about anymore. I don't want to let her affect me aversely anymore, but at the same time I don't want to get a "fuck off" attitude toward her either. For New Years I'm going up to Troy's for almost a week!! I am picking up Kate in Richmond and then heading up to Troy's. We'll stay there probably until Friday so we can miss traffic coming back down. We're going to have a great time. Susan will be coming up too which will be interesting, considering the last time I saw her we had a sort of foursome with her . And I talked to her on the IM and she asked if I was ok with what happend and was up for more. I said sure but I didn't know if Kate or Amber was. But that was kinda a lie, Kate found out that she's not bisexual and I know Amber is bi-curious. Or she's greedy one or the other. The parents were going to go skiing that weekend and weren't happy I was going away for the week. But the skiing fell through and they are ok with it now. I think, I don't really know. I haven't talked to Dad about it but that's nothing new, I usually get stuff filtered through Mom from Dad. They just have to realize that I'm 22 soon to be 23 and my life doesn't and won't revolve around them anymore. It'll come, but I am kinda bummed that I won't get to spend more time with John. I planned to go up there before I knew he was coming in. I'll still get to spend a lot of time with him. And plan to spend every free minute I have doing stuff with him. Well that's it for now. I'll write more later.

Wow talk about someone completely preoccupied with the present. Apparently from the talk with Amber last night we never had a relationship that was more than just friends. We weren't non-exclusive SO's at all. Which is completely wrong because I know we had that kind of relationshiop. She said she doesn't remember setting it up. But we talked a good many times early in the semester. We discussed it and agreed to tell each other if we fooled around with anyone else. In fact I remember her looking at me and saying "you have to tell me if you have sex with anyone else". This was due to the fact that her brother had been lied to and she was paranoid. But now she denies that we had that kind of relationship and wants to just be friends like normal. In other words nothing should change because we weren't in a relationship in the first place. She still says she wants to be my friend and confidant. And I think that I can still do that since that's what I worked so hard to preserve in our relationship to begin with. But I'm definitely not taking any more psychodrama shit from her. And she doesn't get to affect my mood or my relationships with other people anymore either.

Well since my other post was lost due to some random network burp I'll just talk about Amber and I. See I wrote a post earlier today about what happend this past weekend. But it was lost. The long and short of it is that Amber decided to date Justin. A guy we met about halfway through the semester. He's an ok guy and she seems really happy now that they made the decision. But what about our relationship? The answer is; I don't know. Well I know it's over, I don't know if I can still be her friend. I honestly don't know how to feel or what to think. She hasn't told me yet but she knows that I know. She also made the comment that she wouldn't blame me if I was mad at her. I could be mad at her I guess if I wanted too. I could be angry at the way she has treated me and for not ending our relationship before deciding to go steady with someone else. But that would be a selfish kind of attitude and it wouldn't solve anything. I can't make her love me and I can't make her want our relationship to go back to the way it was. And I worked so hard this semester to not be selfish about our relationship there's no use to start now! And if I think about it I haven't really lost anything. What would I be missing or upset that I lost? Physical intamacy? Yeah right we haven't done anything resembling that in a long while and even when we did it seemed like she was allowing it or giving me the privilege. Close friendship and companionship? That is what I desired most of all from Amber the whole time I knew her and was working on our relationship. That is what I worked for, but I was failing. There was always something that hindered us from enjoying things together. For a long while it was Troy, even when we would go out to dinner by ourself that's all we would talk about was Troy this and Troy that. Or it was other things like one time she was feeling really self-concious about her body and spent the whole time moping. Not even Rent! I wanted to expierience that with her but she pretty much ignored me and spent a lot of the time hanging all over Daven of all people. And lately our relationship would disapear completely when other people were around. So I wasn't feeling very much like her friend let alone her non-exclusive SO. In fact recently she had about three people persuing her and competing for her time and attention. I had almost given up even seeing her anymore one on one or spending any real QT with her. In fact she was so preoccupied with those guys that when I was around her she acted like I was persuing her and trying to get into her pants. Which I wasn't and was the furthest thing from my mind.
So what am I going to do? I think she still wants to be friends with me. And I could be her friend pretty easily. In fact she's been in a really good mood since Saturday night, it's been great. But if I just say "ok I'll be your friend if that's all we can be", then doesn't that make me the pathetic puppy dog loser? I mean I gave her tons and tons of attiontion support and love without any ulterior motive, just because I loved her like a best friend. And she walked all over that, used it, took it for granted and now ultimately rejected that(for a guy she's known about two or three months). At the beginning of the semester she was scared of anything male. She thought all guys were rapists except for me. I encouraged her to go out and see that this was not the case. And well I guess it backfired as she has rejected our relationship for the very thing that I was trying to help her understand. I still have to fix my friendship with Troy, because he pissed me off with the way he treated her. Even though she kinda brought it on herself by knowing full well what she was getting into with him. She had to know, I told her many times. Anyway tonight we're getting together for dinner and I guess we'll talk about it. I don't know what I'm going to say. It will depend a lot on what she says. What I'm not going to do is be the pathetic whiner and try to get her to 'take me back'. She's been rejecting me for a long time, a lot longer than I could see. I think the biggest thing I'm upset about is that it didn't hurt more. I'll write tomorrow and tell about how dinner goes. That's all for now.

Feeling much better today. Much more alive, I bought Kate's present today and will get Amber's when I go shopping tonight. Or I may order it online. The weather is nasty outside today cold and rainy blecch! I got a haircut today too. I can't wait to hear what people say about it. It's a lot shorter and spikier. I can't wait to get my hat back from Troy though. Well sorry not much for now, I might write more later. Tomorrow I'll review The Last Samarai movie. Let me just say now that it's one of the best I've seen for a while. Gotta run. Oh one more bit of randomness: the new Pink song "God is a DJ" is really cool!! I might buy the CD.

Christmas time is here. Or so the comercials on tv are telling me. It still seems really far away....until I look at my calender that is. I have to get gifts for a couple of people before they leave town next week. And then there's only a couple of weeks until the big day. I have a lot of shopping to do in the next couple of weeks. I'm going to make a list tonight of people I need to buy for. I probably won't have a lot of time for 'browse' type shopping. But I may have to do some just to get ideas.

I hate being sick. Last week was really rough I missed two days of work with the flu. It was scary to because I had a really high fever and couldn't get out of bed without getting dizzy and nauseated. My fever broke on Thursday afternoon so I'm over the flu bug. However I pushed myself to hard to get back to work and stuff and I have come down with a sinus infection. I hate having a sinus infection because I've never been able to cure myself of one. I've always had to get antibiotics to kill it. So I may have to figure out how my health insurance works so that I can get drugs.

This is the first entry in my blog. Just trying to stay current with the technology. I'll do movie reviews, journal type stuff, and just generally sound off about stuff.